My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
