I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this beer tastes like vomit already
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
