This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
