I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
