Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I want to have your abortion
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
