Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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