I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
