this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
