And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
