She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
accomplished twins. life is a go
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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