mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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