I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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