Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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