She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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