if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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