please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
