I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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