dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
