I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
