dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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