is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
