I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
