I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
