I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
