I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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