Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."