My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
