it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
