I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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