Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
