can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
