i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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