I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
