Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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