Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
