i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
