After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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