there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
