I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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