All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
