If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
