He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.