life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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