I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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