Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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