i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
