She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
