It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
