You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
