my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize