what day is it and did you see me today?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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