He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
