he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
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i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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