Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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