Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
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I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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