Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
