I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
