I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
