My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Im part way to drunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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