This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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