you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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