Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
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She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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